Compassion from one partner and work to change by the other partneris the most effective combination. If you fearabandonment, let the other go a little farther away than you can stand for alittle longer time than you can stand each day.Actually, an adult cannot be abandoned,only left, cannot be engulfed, only crowded! Repeat this over and over,adding more time and more space each time. • Say this to your partner: “I may not shield you from the fear ofabandonment or engulfment and I do not ask you to shield me.A complex PTSD sufferer wakes up feeling depressed.Because childhood experience has conditioned her to believe that she is unworthy and unacceptable in this state, she quickly becomes anxious and ashamed.The 4F's correlate respectively with narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, dissociative or codependent defensive reactions.Here is an example of the layered processes of an emotional flashback.What is abandonment and why does it turn into an issue? The reaction to these kinds of events in a child’s life is imprinted and can manifest in their adulthood.Abandonment is an unintentional loss or severance of a deep connection that was cultivated during childhood or in the course of a very important relationship. It becomes an issue because a person may cease to trust new people in their life.
FEAR OF ABANDONMENT FEAR OF ENGULFMENT “THE PURSUER” “THE DISTANCER" Fear of being alone so that one: Fear of closeness so that one: Cannot easily pull back when a partner Cannot easily make a commitment needs space. Clings or cannot seem to get enough Distances or cannot seem to get enough contact. Is overly attentive, overly accepting Takes a partner’s attentions for granted overly allowing. Takes more care of a partner than Feels entitled to be taken care of oneself. Goes along with a partner’s agenda or Insists on being in control and on timing. Has poor boundaries and tolerates abuse Maintains rigid boundaries and has no tolerance or unhappiness or infidelity. Is addicted to the partner and keeps Seduces the other and then withholds. I choose toacknowledge fear of abandonment or of engulfment and work through them.Flashbacks are at the deepest level painful layers of reactions - physiological, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral - to the reemerging despair of the childhood abandonment depression.One very common flashback-scenario occurs as follows: Internal or external perceptions of possible abandonment trigger fear and shame, which then activates panicky Inner Critic cognitions, which in turn launches an adrenalized fight, flight, freeze or fawn trauma response (subsequently referred to as the 4F's).Fears of abandonment and engulfment are cellular reflexes, and weare wise not to take our partner’s display of them too personally. • Allow yourself to feel your fears fully, cradling them acceptantly.These fearsare not rational so we cannot talk someone out of them or blame someone forthem. May settle for sex as proof of love or use May use frequent sex as a substitute for it to purchase feelings of security. May give up appropriate sexual booundaries May use sexual distance or lack of interest to please the other and be defenseless as a way of maintaining independence, a against predation. Needs a partner to be a constant companion: Needs a partner to stay put while I come and go: “Stay with me.” “Let me be.” Seeks connection and closeness. Feels at a loss without the presence of the Becomes anxious with extended togetherness. Rationalizes, i.e., makes excuses that enable Intellectualizes, i.e., substitutes feelings with coping. • Act as if your fears were not obstacles to closeness or safety: • If you fear engulfment, stay a little closer and let a hug last a littlelonger for one minute more than you can stand each day.] It can also develop in a child who constantly experiences loss on different levels. They assume that nothing is consistent, so they develop defense mechanisms in order to counteract what they feel will be the end result – abandonment.